Being Strong Sucks

I never realized how strong you need to be when you're a Mom until well, I became a Mom. I can't count the million times I've wanted to completely break down and cry, only to hold it in because I don't want my daughter seeing me a complete mess. Of course, there have been a time or two that I haven't been able to hold it back though.

Today was one of those days.

Twelve years ago I brought home to most gentle, loving, happy puppy you could ever imagine. He was so cute. We were playing with him in the front yard and trying to come up with a name when he came up and licked my face. I said to him, "You're Stinky." And from then on, that's what we called him. Stinky. Stink La Dink. He was my buddy, for sure. He loved everyone so much and he had the most kind eyes you'd ever seen on a dog. He also loved, loved, loved to pee on tires.

Today, I had to put my beloved dog to sleep. He had a tumor that was rapidly growing and he was struggling in ways that he never had before. I knew that when his quality of life started to deteriorate that this is what I would have to do but that still doesn't make it any easier.

I called the vet and made an appointment for this afternoon. My brother and my dad met me there and we spent our last moments with him alive. As he was falling asleep I kept telling him that we loved him and that he's been such a good boy. We brought him home and buried him in the yard. He would have wanted to be here. I already miss him. My heart just hurts.

Sometimes, life just sucks. I know death is a part of the cycle of life but it is so hard. It just seems so unfair that he had to go. Selfishly, I wish he could have stayed here forever but I know he is now in Heaven and no longer struggling and I want that for him. I'm thankful we had so many years with him and I know he lived a very happy life. Never have I ever felt so loved by an animal as I did by Stinky.

I'm glad that my daughter is sleeping now so I can cry. And cry some more without feeling guilty. What a horribly, crappy day. Oh, and it doesn't help that my car battery died today. Three times.